There’s not much more annoying than zealots who use the Bible to justify prejudice against gay people (or worse, outright hatred or violence), and an oft-cited passage is Leviticus 18:22 (“Thou shall not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination,” which apparently lets lesbians off the hook, but that’s another conversation).

Frankly, Leviticus says most things are abominations. Here’s a cute breakdown:

“Dear Friend,

Thanks very much for reminding me that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination. I would like some further advice, however, regarding some other laws and how to best follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as suggested in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus (Ex 35:2) clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, and if so, how should I do that?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or are correctable defects in vision excluded from the aforementioned proscription.?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm on which he violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field. His wife likewise violates Leviticus by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (a cotton/polyester blend). Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10-16). Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

Thanks very much for your help, and thanks again for reminding us that God’sword is eternal and unchanging.”

In other awesome news, Iran is looking to pass a law that would require non-Muslims (specifically Iran’s Jewish, Christian, and Zoroastrian minorities) to wear colored strips of cloth on their clothing to identify themselves. Yay! (Source)
P.S. I was joking about the “yay.”

Courtesy of Morgan

1.  Name your brand of deodorant / antiperspirant.  Would you (if it existed) get surgery to eliminate any sweat or odor from your underarm? 

I’ve been using Dove lately.  I find that when it blends with sweat, it doesn’t smell too bad.  I used Degree for years, which I basically liked, except it tended to make a weird smell when it blended with sweat.  It wasn’t B.O. exactly, just a strange combination.

No, I would not get such a surgery.  Sweating is good for you.  Besides, I don’t want to have a surgery that hasn’t been researched for decades.  You never know, armpit sweat glands could be the new tonsils.  People used to think that tonsils were no big deal to have taken out, but little did they know that intact tonsils are the key to telepathy.

I know what you’re thinking.  I know it in my throat.

2.  Which animal do you think you have a better chance of surviving an attack from?  (a) A rabid puma, (b) a Floridian alligator or (c) an ill-mannered sloth. 

Well, the sloth is the wimpiest, right?  Definitely not the rabid puma; I wouldn’t want a rabies bite or a puma bite separately, much less at the same time.  And I just read a story in the Onion about how alligators do not become more docile the more you drink, despite popular perception.  That leaves me with the sloth.

3.   If you found the following message on your car window after work: “We are watching you and we are not happy!” Whom would you suspect & why?
Denny and I drive to work together, so I’d probably assume he was the one who was being watched disapprovingly.  I would suspect that it’s his mortal enemy, but it’s pretty hard to imagine that he would have a mortal enemy.  He’s quite likeable.

I guess that just leaves me, then.  Hm.  It might be that undergrad I had to fire a year or so ago.

4.  Since no good food combination has been invented since Peanut Butter & Jelly, which two foods would you like to see enter in marital bliss? 

I disagree with the sentiment about PB&J being the only good food combination.  Have you forgotten about goat cheese and figs?  Beef and bleu cheese?  Chocolate and cinnamon?  Balsamic vinegar and strawberries?  Toffee and cayenne pepper?  If I had to invent a new one, though, I would invent Cheetos and fish.  Mmm…fish Cheetos.

5.    In the movie Back to the Future, Michael J. Fox uses a Van Helen music as a weapon of torture to persuade is father into asking out his mother.  What music would torture you? 

I really hate that Nickelback song (is it Nickelback?  It’s some angsty young man group.) about looking through a yearbook.  How pompous and boring is that song?  Very.