From my friend Morgan…

1. While pulling a large, green, dry booger from your nose, a coarse, black nasal hair falls out from the depths of your nasal cavity. You are sure you have the world record beat in nasal hairs. Do you call Guiness? Do you continue to grow it if you find you need another 1/4 inch to beat the record? Or do you quickly pluck the sucker and throw it away in disgust?

I think I would probably pluck it, except it hurts a LOT to pluck nose hairs. Have you ever tried it? Therefore, I might be more inclined to use some tiny scissors to trim it. Denny’s electric razor might have a nose hair attachment I could use, too.

I would take a picture of it first, though, because it’s funny.

2. Ask me a question. Also answer it as you think I would.

Are you excited that your wife is having a baby girl? Are you going to let your son ride the pony that you buy for her?

You would answer: “Yes, I am excited, because little girls are the greatest thing ever. In fact, my one regret in life is that I was born male so I never had the chance to experience being a little girl. I will never let my son ride her pet pony, because he would probably do something to spook it and get thrown off, and we’d have to send it to the glue factory. That would break my little girl’s heart, and I would never let that happen.”

3. A famous local taco stand is offering steak and bean burritos for $0.20. How many would you buy?

Oh, man, so many. I’d buy them for the whole office and everybody would love me. The downside is that we already have a few people in this office who aren’t the greatest bathroom citizens, and burritos would only compound that fact. Maybe I’d pass them out right at the end of the day on Friday, so they could do all their bad citizenship at home.

4. You fall through the ice on a lake and die. Visiting the pearly gates, instead of St. Peter, you find Brigham Young, obviously a sign that the Mormons have it right. Instantly you are shocked back to life, as the paramedics treat you for sever hypothermia. Would you eat a Klondike Bar for lunch? Would you let Denny take another wife?

I don’t really like Klondike bars. I would eat a Magnum bar, though, if I was anywhere near one. Magnum bars are like Klondike bars only a thousand times better, especially the ones with almonds.

I suppose Denny could remarry, on the condition that any future spouse of his be at least 20% less smart, cute, and fun than me. I would want her to always feel slightly inferior. She would also have to be ok with seeing my taxidermied body on the couch every day.

[For those of you who seem to think that I am an egomaniac, I am kidding, people. She only has to be 10% less smart, cute, and fun than me.]

5. Have you ever seen the movie Quiggly Down Under? If not, in your best guess, describe the movie’s plot. If so, rename the movie to better fit the plot.

Never seen it, so I guess I have to invent a plot.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Squiggly who had a terrible speech impediment and couldn’t pronounce the letter S. Therefore, much to his chagrin, everyone thought his hame was Quiggly. Only he knew the truth, but there was no way he could communicate this to others (because he lived in a world where there was no possible way of writing his name down and showing it to people). He was so depressed he moved into a cave DOWN UNDER his house, and there he met a friendly little mole who became his one true friend.