Stuff my people say, recently
3/10/23
I was reminding Callum how much his teacher loves and cares about him (it’s true–Ms. Hill is a gem).
Callum: But not as much as you love me.
Aprille: Well, that’s probably true.
Callum: The only person who can compete with our bond is Dad.
—
2/21/23
Callum’s teacher sent a kind and complimentary email about his work in school today.
Aprille: I’m so proud to be your mom.
Callum: I’m so proud to be your sweet child!
—
2/12/23
Callum: What day is Valentine’s Day?
Aprille: Tuesday is true Valentine’s Day, but we had our family party yesterday, with cookies and cocktail hour and–
Callum: No, I mean what’s the DATE?
Aprille: Oh, February 14.
Callum: Whenever I say day, I mean DATE.
Aprille: I understand.
Callum: It doesn’t seem like you do.
—
2/4/23
Callum had just eaten Doritos and his fingers were covered with cheese powder.
Callum: (wiggling his gross fingers at me) Do you want to shake my hand?
Aprille: No!
Callum: Is it because there’s not ENOUGH Dorito powder?
—
1/28/23
Callum: How would you feel if a wolf broke into our house?
Aprille: I would feel very upset! How would you feel?
Callum: I would feel shocked…and like I had underestimated wolves.
—
1/28/23
“I need to mentally prepare for this.” —Callum, interrupting the dental hygienist who was about to perform the inoffensive task of applying fluoride to his teeth.
—
1/21/23
At family cocktail hour:
Callum: Why do you and Dad get refills and we don’t?
Denny: Are you the same size as Mom and Dad? Did you earn the money for it? Do you get up early to make lunches?
Tobin: Artemis, stop rolling your eyes.
Artemis: It’s muscle memory.
—
1/6/23
Denny: How can you be almost eight?
Callum: Have you ever heard of aging? I’m pretty sure you’ve done it.
—
1/3/23
Callum and I were looking at Dairy Queen’s website for ice cream cakes, as per Art’s birthday request. Callum was surprised by the burgers and chicken strips advertised.
C: What is this, Protein Queen?
—
12/23/22
A: I can’t believe you’re almost 8!
C: 8 isn’t very old.
A: It’s pretty old.
C: I feel like it’s a lot younger than the average adult.
—
12/17/22
“Singing is just gourmet talking.” —Tobin
—
12/12/22
Callum usually takes baths, but tonight he chose to use the downstairs shower, which is stall-style.
C: That’s what I like about this shower. It has all the convenience of a Port-a-Potty.
A: A…Port-a-Potty?
C: Yeah. It’s almost the same shape.
—
12/6/22
Callum: I want three centimeters of yellow lemonade combined with three centimeters of cherry Kool-Aid, so six centimeters altogether, with ice. (Pause.) That sounds like a Starbucks order.
(Note: I almost never get Starbucks, and if I do, it’s just a black drip coffee. I blame the Internet.)
—
11/14/22
After the Family Folk Machine concert yesterday, we were talking about our friends from the group.
Denny: Is Star short for anything?
Aprille: I don’t think so.
Callum: Maybe it’s short for…Starch?
—
10/29/22
Callum was reading aloud to me from a book about dolphins. He told me that a type of shallow diving is called “porpoising.”
A: Do they do it by accident, or do they do it on porpoise?
C: [unamused stare]
A: Oh, you didn’t like my joke?
C: You’re a mom. You can’t make dad jokes.
—
10/26/22
Callum, on the topic of his school guidance counselor’s physique: “He’s a lot taller than he is wide.”
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