I will admit from the start of this that I am prejudiced toward Madonna and prejudiced against Jessica Simpson. Wait, does it count as prejudice if it’s based on actual evidence? I don’t know. But I basically like Madonna and I basically dislike Jessica S. They do have their similarities, though. Source: lots of “Behind the Music” and “E: True Hollywood Story” and similar shows.

Humble beginnings: Madonna grew up in Detroit with a strict but loving widowed father. Jessica grew up near Dallas with a financially-struggling minister father and Sunday school teacher mother.

Early struggles: Madonna packed up everything she owned and moved to New York by herself, often not having enough to eat. Jessica tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club and didin’t get in.

Breakthrough hit: After several low-level club hits, Madonna made it big with the album “Like a Virgin.” After several low-level pop hits, Jessica made it big by exploiting the loss of her virginity on the reality show “Newlyweds.” Her mental virginity remains intact.

Role in music creation process: Though they’ve both been known to “collaborate” and “co-write” songs, neither is primarily a songwriter.

The big screen: They are both terrible actors. Swept Away? The Dukes of Hazzard?

Political wishy-washiness: Despite participating in the 1992 “Rock the Vote” campaign, Madonna did not actually cast a ballot. Despite singing at George W. Bush’s 2000 inauguration and uttering the words “George Bush, I think I’m in love with you!”, Jessica Simpson declined a 2006 invitation to the White House because she preferred to keep her political views private.

Uncanny overlap between “Holiday” and “Public Affair”: Check it.

I’m still going to have to side with Madonna. One of my favorite things about her is her consistent stand that a woman can be smart, strong, and sexy at the same time, a trifecta that doesn’t seem to interest Jessica in the least. And even though neither of them wrote either of the above singles, Madonna sang it first.

If all this is doing is depressing you about the state of music in the world, I will lift your spirits by pointing you toward the super-awesome video map dredged up.  I like how Stevie didn’t change his song to make it more kid-friendly; he just threw a few “Sesame Streets” into the jam session at the end.  Stevie Wonder is one of my absolute, all-time favorites.  Funk is such a life-affirming musical style.